# # Humor Archives - coreyshead

Brother, I Can See Your Skull.

Brother, I Can See Your Skull. - The Coreyshead Blog

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

My Predictions for 2014

January 1st, 2014 by Corey A. Edwards

New York City will attempt to ban any food that doesn’t fit inside a “fun-size” candy bar wrapper.

Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty will continue to expand his profile of pseudo importance as a spokesperson for the rights of the culturally narrow until his untimely death in a freak beard accident involving squirrels, chewing gum, and a tangle of bailing wire.

Colorado will complete an initial study on the effects of recreational marijuana sales but will be forced to admit, near the end of 2014 and around a mouthful of Skittles, that they lost the results somewhere behind the couch.

Read the rest of this page »

Rootless, Fancy Free – short absurd fiction

April 1st, 2013 by Corey A. Edwards

Rootless, Fancy Free by Corey A. Edwards

 

Margie’s interest in genealogy knows no bounds. None at all.

Read the rest of this page »

The Wouldn’t Boat Festival

September 7th, 2012 by Corey A. Edwards

 
The Wouldn't Boat Festival

One of the small towns hereabouts holds an annual and well-attended celebration known as The Wooden Boat Festival.

Hundreds of people come from all over the world to indulge in and share their love for this archaic, pleasure craft passion. Milling about, they ooh and ahh over lacquered hulls, canvas sheets, coils of hemp, and brass fittings, imagining themselves transported over the waves as if in some fantastic dream …

Man, what the hell is it about boating?

Read the rest of this page »

Gemini: June 21-July 20

June 21st, 2012 by Corey A. Edwards

Gemini

 

Gemini, the Twins, is (are?) the third sign of the Zodiac, representing quickness of thought and facile communication –the type of person who blurts out the first goddamn thing that comes into their heads.

Read the rest of this page »

Taurus: May 13-June 21

May 13th, 2012 by Corey A. Edwards

Taurus

 

Taurus, the Bull, is the second sign of the Zodiac, representing growth and development.

Read the rest of this page »

Aries: April 18-May 13

April 18th, 2012 by Corey A. Edwards

Aries

 

Aries, the Ram, is the first and most elemental of the twelve signs of the Zodiac, representing the beginning of all things, much like the warm swelling in your tummy signals on oncoming belch.

Read the rest of this page »

Pisces: March 11-April 18

March 11th, 2012 by Corey A. Edwards

Pisces

 

Pisces, the Fish, is the thirteenth and last of the Zodiac signs (phew!), representing the merging of the soul with the cosmos and symbolizing a deep belief in the highest powers of the universe, dude.

Read the rest of this page »

Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11

February 16th, 2012 by Corey A. Edwards

Aquarius

 

Aquarius, the Water Bearer is the twelfth sign of the Zodiac, representing advanced thought and acceptance as well as wrinkled fingers and damp socks.

Read the rest of this page »

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16

January 20th, 2012 by Corey A. Edwards

Capricorn

 

Capricorn, the Goat, is the eleventh sign of the Zodiac and represents a serious, mature outlook and an awareness of our relation to the universe, though, on the weekends, the sign spends much of its time downing beers and chasing sorority girls.

Read the rest of this page »

No Chairs? Rip Off!

January 18th, 2012 by Corey A. Edwards

No Chairs

 

Having just moved into a larger space, I’ve spent a lot of time keeping an eye on the local “lightly used” stores.

I’ve not found too much of real interest – but a sense of humor is always a good find.

Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

December 19th, 2011 by Corey A. Edwards

Sagittarius

 

Sagittarius, the Archer, is the tenth sign of the Zodiac, representing expansive optimism, an ever-growing life philosophy, and a casual attitude regarding road apples on the carpet.

Read the rest of this page »

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17

November 29th, 2011 by Corey A. Edwards

Ophiuchus

Ophiuchus, the 13th sign of the Zodiac, unlike the other 12 signs, is associated with a real person, Imhotep. Imhotep denies all knowledge of this, however, saying “Ophie *Who* chus?”

Read the rest of this page »

Scorpio: Nov. 23-29

November 23rd, 2011 by Corey A. Edwards

Scorpio

 

Scorpio, the Scorpion, is the eighth sign of the Zodiac, representing defensive, far seeing power and creepy, scuttling behavior.

Read the rest of this page »

Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23

October 30th, 2011 by Corey A. Edwards

Libra

 

Libra, the Scales, is the seventh sign of the Zodiac, representing balance in all things even if you have to use your thumb.

Read the rest of this page »

Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30

September 16th, 2011 by Corey A. Edwards

Virgo

Virgo, the Virgin, is the sixth sign of the Zodiac, representing a systematic approach towards existential concerns and a pair of legs you couldn’t get apart with a pry bar.

Read the rest of this page »

Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16

August 10th, 2011 by Corey A. Edwards

Leo

 

Leo, the Lion, is the fifth sign of the Zodiac, representing radiant creativity, ambition, and a taste for raw lamb.

Read the rest of this page »

Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10

July 20th, 2011 by Corey A. Edwards

Cancer

Cancer, the Crab, is the fourth sign of the Zodiac (for those of you keeping score), representing deep feeling, protectiveness, and a juicy, tender flesh that’s absolutely heaven with butter.

Read the rest of this page »

Pun with Lizards

July 7th, 2011 by Corey A. Edwards

a reptile dysfunction

So I have this friend who has a thing for lizards and the like …

Read the rest of this page »

Murray Christmas!

December 25th, 2010 by Corey A. Edwards

I really need to work up a new gag for the holidays but at least this is a different shot from the ’06 session – Murray Christmas, everyone.

Don’t even bother reading this.

July 29th, 2010 by Corey A. Edwards

People aroun’ here are so ignorant. I mean, they’re really uncultured. They just have no clue. For example, I walk into a bar one hot evening and order a Dry Sack. The guy comes around from behind the bar and starts towelin’ off my crotch! I’m like: “get offa me you addlepated nudnik,” and slap him away. So he gets this ugly expression on his face and I’m thinkin’: “who the hell is he to be mad?” So’s I ask him: “who the hell are you to be mad?” An’ he just kinda slouches away, mumbling: “Not mad. Just feeling a little testy.”

We Have A Winnah! (Totally Stupid Contest)

December 18th, 2009 by Corey A. Edwards

Last night I received both an email and text message stating:

Hyde and Sikh – or Hide and Sikh, if the book is leather bound

Which was so painfully close I urged the guesser on.

Read the rest of this page »

A Totally Stupid Contest

December 14th, 2009 by Corey A. Edwards

The above is a visual pun.

The first person to correctly guess said pun will receive a free item of mine via cafe press – that which is available is not limited to what can presently be found at my store but includes any and all images at coreyshead.com.

Hotcha.

(clue = a childhood pastime)

people who are me or who were around when I was making this (I’m looking at you, Mel) are prohibited from playing.

Leo – July 23rd – August 23rd

July 23rd, 2009 by Corey A. Edwards

Leo, the Lion, is the fifth sign of the Zodiac, representing radiant creativity, ambition, and a taste for raw lamb.

Read the rest of this page »

Cancer – June 22nd – July 22nd

June 22nd, 2009 by Corey A. Edwards

Cancer, the Crab, is the fourth sign of the Zodiac (for those of you keeping score), representing deep feeling, protectiveness and a juicy, tender flesh that’s absolutely heaven with butter.

Read the rest of this page »

Gemini – May 22nd – June 21st

May 22nd, 2009 by Corey A. Edwards

Gemini, the Twins, is (are?) the third sign of the Zodiac, representing quickness of thought and facile communication –the type of person who blurts out the first goddamn thing that comes into their heads.

Read the rest of this page »

From the Notebooks of …

May 6th, 2009 by Corey A. Edwards

The Bugs

In the morning,
when I am barely awake:
the bugs,
the bugs.
Oh, they crawl on me and I am happy.

Read the rest of this page »

LawnBoy

April 25th, 2009 by Corey A. Edwards

When I first moved into this duplex and was told that I’d have to mow the lawn or pay an exorbitant fee to have it mowed by the landlord (not to mention earn his displeasure), I blanched.

The last lawnmower I owned is a decade gone from my life, and the only tool I’ve been using to coif the hardscrabble, semi-feral patches of flora I’ve since been entrusted to manage is a weed-whacker, now left in the possession of my erstwhile wife. Yet here I am, staring at a yard. A regulation, turfed yard.

Read the rest of this page »

Idea #4 – Death By ANT FARM

April 8th, 2009 by Corey A. Edwards

This is an idea I may regret letting out of the bag – I could really see Accoutrements/Archie McPhee making these, if it turned out to be a workable idea:

The Death By ANT FARM toy

Read the rest of this page »

Deer Resistance

April 5th, 2009 by Corey A. Edwards

A local nursery’s reader board is announcing “Deer Resistance Classes.”

Now, when I first saw this, I was a bit confused. I mean, are the local deer shaking people down for loose change or what?

Read the rest of this page »

What Can You Do? (half a week with Emily Spilgravy)

January 8th, 2009 by Corey A. Edwards

Thursday, Oct. 3, 4 o’clock pm
No matter what we do, every year dad gets a little older. Ronnie took him round to hospital to see about the condition but they couldn’t help. Said it had something to do with the passage of time and his age. Despite what amounts to a rather hasty pronouncement, if you ask me, we’ve tried a number of experimental pills, powders, injections, suppositories, and salves, but they only make dad nauseous, sneezy, tender, squirmy, and greasy. It’s sad, really. We just celebrated his 79th and he could barely stay awake long enough to finish baking the cake. We had to eat it without him. What can you do?

Read the rest of this page »

Murray Christmas

December 25th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards

It’s an older gag but the sentiment remains – hope you’re porking a loved one under your tree right now.

Kissie Faces

November 8th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards

I wasn’t making kissie-faces at the guy.

I just happened to be whistling as I got out of my truck and ended up face to face with him, separated only by his rolled up window.

Read the rest of this page »

Live Each Day As If It Were Your Last?

October 30th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards

I hesitate to keep dishing on the churches in the area but …

There’s a church reader-board I drive by daily that never fails to catch my eye with its wit and wisdom (a recent nugget of indispensable profundity read “STOP DROP & ROLL WONT WORK IN HELL“).

Another recent admonition “LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST” got me to thinking.

What would I do if I it were my last day alive and I knew it?

Read the rest of this page »

Jesus Is …

October 29th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards

There’s this looming, metal sign on the road near my house that says, in large, blue letters: JESUS IS LORD.

The sign undoubtedly once read “Mobil” or “Standard”, “Sinclair” or maybe just “GAS” because it is hung on the same property as a long defunct gas station, which, for an unknown reason, someone keeps painting and maintaining despite its apparent irrelevance. (there’s a connection here, somewhere)

Read the rest of this page »

Too Late …

October 28th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards

May I Take Your Order?

October 24th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards

Who thought ordering items off a menu by number was a good idea?

When I’m hungry, the last thing I want to be ordering is number two.

“May I take your order?”
“Yeah, I’d like a number two.”
“What would you like to drink with that.”
“Why, number one, of course … “

The whole idea is repulsive. Truly.

Read the rest of this page »

Bending Over Backwards

October 20th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards

People say “He’s a nice guy. He’ll bend over backwards for you.”

Now, the funny thing about bending over backwards is that, unless you’re a gymnast, or a contortionist, some kind of a physical performer, there is absolutely no purpose to doing it.
Not only is it difficult to do, it is a useless act which leaves you incapable of the simplest forms of assistance, such as carrying a package or opening a door. What the hell can you hope to accomplish in such a position except mussing your hair and lifting your shirt without using your hands?

Read the rest of this page »

"I Don’t Eat Baked Goods"

October 17th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards

Corey: “Hey, you wanna doughnut?”
Dan: “No thank you. I don’t eat baked goods.”
Corey: “Y’whut?”

Read the rest of this page »

Overheard Outside the Supermarket …

October 15th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards


Two young women standing over the pumpkins.
One asks the other: “Can you eat these?”

Today’s Vignettes

September 16th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards



Me: ” … it was absolutely terrible.”

Him: “What’s the difference between absolutely terrible and relatively terrible?”

Read the rest of this page »

Remember to Forget

September 10th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards

“Oh, dammit.”

“What’s the matter?”

“There’s something I was supposed to forget but I can’t remember what it was! Oh, wait, now I remember … dammit!”

Ralphie Style

August 30th, 2008 by Corey A. Edwards

I’ve got this cat named Ralph who enjoys doing hair. (actually he’s my daughter’s cat but, well, he seems to have adopted me, so … )

Whenever my ex-wife would step out of the shower, Ralph was there, ready to suck the water out of her tresses. He treats me much the same but, faced with my glossy pate, prefers to lick the moisture from the follicles on my legs.

Further, even without the added incentive of water, Ralph seems attracted to the hair of dolls, which he will gnaw and pull at repeatedly until, well, we all like to think of him as a frustrated stylist.