New York City will attempt to ban any food that doesn’t fit inside a “fun-size” candy bar wrapper.
Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty will continue to expand his profile of pseudo importance as a spokesperson for the rights of the culturally narrow until his untimely death in a freak beard accident involving squirrels, chewing gum, and a tangle of bailing wire.
Colorado will complete an initial study on the effects of recreational marijuana sales but will be forced to admit, near the end of 2014 and around a mouthful of Skittles, that they lost the results somewhere behind the couch.
Hollywood will revolutionize the summer-blockbuster by producing action-packed, CGI-laden films with virtually no scripts attached. (oh, sorry, this is isn’t a prediction but, rather a report of the last ten years – my bad)
Conservatives in Utah will protest against legalizing same-sex divorce, stating that doing so “will forever damage the fabric of dissolution.”
Democrats and Republicans will continue to see each other as whiny, little bitches who are ruining this country – and they’ll be right.
Kim Jong Un will have a hand-puppet shot but will pardon the puppeteer beforehand, following some behind-the-scenes wrangling with Dennis Rodman.
Numerous sports teams will win major sporting events, giving their fans the momentary illusion of having been a part of achieving something of value, which they will then proceed to lord over the rest of us for about a week.
Obamacare will continue to be the biggest disaster any leader has ever inflicted upon any nation, in the history of this or any world, real or imagined – but the benefits of the Affordable Care Act will slowly overshadow and nullify much of the negative feelings caused by it.
More massive weather events will occur, destroying lives and costing untold billions of dollars but nothing on the scale of importance given to [name of young pop-performer] and their [public scandal designed to trigger Puritan outcry in a secretly salivating public].
