Virgo, the Virgin, is the sixth sign of the Zodiac, representing a systematic approach towards existential concerns and a pair of legs you couldn’t get apart with a pry bar.
Virgos like a structured life, attempting through service to make a significant contribution to the world and generally being a major pain in the ass with all their high and mighty busy-bodiness.
Very secretive, Virgos are quite particular about what they reveal and what they conceal, as well as when and how they do it, which is rather ironic considering how little the rest of us could care about their dull, grey lives.
The main focus of the Virgo is analyzing, solving, assessing and otherwise squeezing all the joy out of everyday life. This is not to say that Virgos do not enjoy spontaneity or improvisation, just that they want to put it on their schedule, say, sometime between flossing and tweezing.
Those born under this sign tend to take things literally, meaning not a goddamn one of them reading this is laughing right now.
Often expected to be prudish and repressed, Virgos are not at all above expressing themselves and their desires with occasional abandon, though this usually involves nothing more risque than switching to whole from 2% lowfat.
Given all this, is it any wonder why they’re still virgins?
Your Horoscope:
In the absence of change, a great snoring may take place but fear not for earplugs are plentiful, cheap, and fit comfortably into most adult ear canals. Do not trouble yourself with the past but feel free to snicker at their fashions. Go forth, or failing that, third. Flense with abandon but do not mistake this as progress for progress is only truly achievable through mail-order. When entertaining a thought, use white, not red wine and soft music. Hesitate to bare your soul for it is cold outside and your soul embarrasses easily.
