My life is such a jumble these days – so insane.
Learning the ropes of single parenthood
Personal rediscovery
Legal skirmishes with a loved-one turned enemy
Financial insecurity
Career frustrations
The seemingly endless scrutiny of custody-related authorities (this last one will have you second-guessing your choice of footwear, folks)
The ability to point myself where I wish to point, to no longer have to pretend to be something or someone I’m not, is incredibly liberating but …
When the doors were locked and the windows barred, I somehow felt more in control. Now that the sky is the limit – well, let’s just say I’m feeling a little smaller than the sky.
And what about this loneliness. Yes, it is better than the loneliness of empty cohabitation but only just.
I’ve always preferred my own company because I can fill these hours, oh yes, I have numerous pitchers slopping over just right here – and what a joy to pour them out! – but sometimes I wonder, despite my best efforts, if it is not that I prefer solitude but have simply become a pro at preferring it – for the alternative is to succumb to one distasteful eventuality or another:
A relationship of suffocating concessions
or
A spiraling sense of general alienation
Were that I was not
in such a small town
filled with so many people
whom I do not relate to
and yet
where else would I go
that would not find
me there?
Good thing
these episodes
pass
so quickly
(phew!)
Your picture looks like A Scanner Darkly. I can symythize with the “no company” but hey if you are feeling miserable, you know it loves company and you can always give me a call. : )
=)